This is so beautiful.
Lately I’ve been in a very wishful mood. I’ve been wanting, while I should be content. And I am, but sometimes I forget that.
Right now I’m in the process of, for lack of any other way to say it, rediscovering God? I went through the longest time of not really having any desire to pursue God; I also didn’t want to acknowledge that he was pursuing me. I just didn’t want to, I felt I’ve been trying so hard for so long that I was just done.
A close friend told me that I should try approaching God from any other angle other than that which I have been for practically my whole life. Thus, I’ve been trying to read the Bible from a perspective of not knowing all the “church answers” and just looking in to see what it says about this Jesus person. Honestly, it’s one of the most refreshing things to be able to look at this faith, of which I’ve considered myself a part of since before I can even remember, and be objective.
So I’m still growing. I’m still working on desiring God all the time, not just when I feel like it. The most important thing I’m learning, however, is that that’s ok. It’s ok to take my time and I shouldn’t feel guilty about admitting that I didn’t want God, and that I’m starting over from square one. In fact, because I’ve been reading with an outsiders perspective and really thinking for myself about what I read, not what I’ve heard people say about the text, I’ve been so blown away by the depths of Gods love. It would take too long to explain all that has actually happened since I’ve started this little experiment, but suffice to say that it’s good and it’s refreshing.
I’m still growing, and working, and learning, and I’ve learned that that’s ok. It’s ok. To let go of the guilt that I’ve built up over the 18 or so years I’ve ‘been a Christian” and to just be honest and take time off to think. Now I’m starting over, and it’s so freeing. Hard, but freeing. And thats ok.